It Was GOOD

So many thoughts have swirled and then formed in my mind these last days. I sit down to write, and it feels like there is nothing I can say. 

Those of you who have known deep, unconditional, real-life love probably know what I want to say. Those who have not yet, could imagine it is the thing of dreams. I was so loved by this man. I was so cherished, so taken care of, so willingly sacrificed for. I still don't understand how it was his joy to take care of me, to empower me in such selfless, everyday ways. It did not seem fair how much he loved me. But that didn't matter.  Shortly after we married, when I was grumpy and mean one evening and he STILL sacrificed his time to take care of me, I was thankful and embarrassed. He laughed and said "Sweetheart, we left fair at the alter." That laugh, that phrase, became a staple in our lives. 

Our life was so good. So good that I often would not post to social media because I was worried I would look like I was bragging. The love tank was so full that it spilled out between us so often. "How in the world do we have it so good?" "How did we get so lucky?" "I know God loves everyone, but man! How did I find you?" It was so stinking good. 

I've been thinking a lot the last few days. Was it so much better than everyone else's lives? Or was it this crazy infectious hope with which Trevor chose to see the world? We did have our share of marital arguments, but he would be so proud of the way we moved on and what we had learned about each other, that every fight ended in celebration. We did have sleepless nights and sick babies, but we marveled in each other's strength and selflessness through it. We were so thankful for each other. We were tight on money at times, but we chose to work schedules that allowed us both time with the babies and each other, and marveled in that family time. We had issues with other people, or work, or school, or vehicles, but we so often became excited about opportunities for personal growth that these issues too, seemed like gifts. We did not have a perfect life, but Oh, it was good in our eyes. And it WAS good. 

This fear: what will I do if the bottom falls out. I still don't know. It's been one month. One surreal month. And the reality of my new reality has not fully hit. I've been at my parents home, surrounded by so many sisters and friends. Oh God. What will I do when it really hits? I know it's okay to be fighting mad. I know it's okay to be bottomlessly sad. But I still want to see my life as good. 

I am so thankful for this man, who kissed my eyes and helped me see.