It feels like love.

It feels like love. It hurts so deep. 

I remember stroking Trevor's hair and feeling pain so deep and heavy in my heart 6 and a half years ago. We looked at each other. We had just started this journey together. "What is this?" It must be love. I must be falling in love with you. It must be deep, deep, soul crushing, soul altering love. "Do you feel it?" Literal deep pressure in my chest that made it hard to breathe. "Will it go away?" We both felt it. I could see it in his deep, bright blue eyes. 

I'm laying on our bed. Body aching, but it's not the flu. Dull headache, that I hardly notice. Nausea as a mild background for the day. But it's my chest. My heart aches. I've felt this before. It feels like love. 

I've seen hope this week, and I've seen glimpses of joy. But oh, this hurts. It hurts. 

I chose him to do life with. I chose him to raise my children. I left my father's house. I dreamed. So many dreams. We dreamed. He made sense of everything. Who do I share that with now? How do I share these moments of delight and pain? How could he be gone?. I've survived the first week. Buoyed by friends and family. But how could he be gone? What is life? 

In my glimpses of hope, I know that life is not over. That a beautiful story is being woven. But O, I miss him.