Thanks Giving

Thanks giving is perhaps the bravest and the wisest choice of our souls. It is partnered, arm in arm, with hope. It sees and celebrates the silver linings.

This day last year was excruciating. November 2017. Two months after my favorite person unexpectedly died. A week or two after we were given the autopsy report, and with it the truth that this deadly heart condition was chronic, and that his life may have possibly been saved if it was detected sooner. Grief, sorrow, and guilt were crushing. We sat together to eat. My beautiful sister-in-law bravely invited us to share what we were thankful for. She started off with small, tangible things that brought her respite in the middle of our storm. She was thankful for the warmth of coffee. For daily treasures that made life beautiful. I am so proud of her for this offering of her heart. “I am thankful for something, still. I must be.”

Sitting around that table, it’s hard to explain what I felt. I was proud of her for inviting us into this place of thankfulness, but I could not add anything. For the past few months, thankfulness was the heaviest choice. It took every bit of my strength to muster it and hold it high in my heart. It was the literal lifeline that kept me from drowning. It was so complex, so tied to memories of Trevor, and so interlaced with grief. It was so personal and precious to my heart that I literally could not sit at a table and recount all, even in front of some of my favorite people. I felt that words would not do it justice. So I pushed my chair back from the table, locked myself in the bathroom, and sobbed. I sobbed my thankfulness for this man’s steady love; thankfulness that my heart had been cared for and convinced of love; thankfulness that we had two children who were part him, and part me; thankfulness that I had been loved so dearly by his family and mine; thankfulness somehow for the goodness that God must be weaving in the horrible blackness. These things were too precious to utter that day.

Sometimes thankfulness bubbles up and overflows, when our hearts are overwhelmed by big goodness or small wonders. Sometimes it is the heaviest work, to find and remember and rejoice even still. Sometimes we shout it from the rooftops of social media, other times we whisper the reminder to our precious hearts. This is all valid. And necessary. And vital. However we give it, let us choose to give thanks.