I miss being adored. I KNOW I still am. But, Oh, I miss the million daily reminders from my best friend. I miss the glances, the arms around me, the scrunched nose laugh at my silliness, the deep voice telling me that I am wonderful. I miss the steady presence. The ease of that "good life" - that really just means being around him.

I think I've realized the last few days again that I am missing my best friend. When little fears or big anxiety arise, I miss the steady safety of my best friend, who knows the ins and outs of my heart. We called anxious or depressive thoughts "stupid thoughts," and when I felt under a wave of them, they often cleared when I aired them out, outloud, to him. "Stupid thought alert!" And then we would either laugh at the absurdity of the worry, or deal with the root issue, or pray together. Most often, he would just laugh them off.

I have such a big support system, for which I'm thankful. But even that makes it difficult when I am flustered. Who do I call, or text, or explain the backstory as to why I'm struggling? What mentor is free at the moment, what friend can talk, what siblings will "get it?" Who have I already told what to? Can't I just unload on the one person I never felt I was burdening? He was so proud of process, and working through issues was always a delight.

high desert clouds. watercolor on arches paper. 5/2018

I became such a confident, safe woman under his love. I feel myself slipping into areas of anxiety that I thought I had already dealt with. That's a major bummer. Did I really find freedom in these areas, or was his love a crutch? The past few days, I've felt the calm, weighty presence of God near me when I've struggled. Come away with Me. It's just another layer. Another leveling up. It's amazing that I found freedom and confidence under the shade of my husband's love. But I am learning to walk in it, believing what God says about me, when the only voice I hear is inaudible. I believe He is only leading my upwards, and higher, and safer, and stronger.

"The path of the righteous is like the dawning day. It grows brighter and brighter until it reaches the full light of day." Proverbs...